there’s so much grace.

I sat on our veranda.

I ripped away a scar. No, you can’t remove scars. That is His work.

It was a scab. Only a scab that I succeeded in the removal of. It bled. Again.

I wasn’t ready to heal. He alone holds my times. How many times have I forgotten?

Months later, my husband walks into our room in the stillness of morning. As if upon tip-toes. We are the only ones who have woken. ”I think it’s positive.” I know he must be joking. I have lost all hope. I know I will never bear a child. There was simply no way that I would look into your eyes. Until I could no longer resist. My hilarious warrior prince was serious. Tears graced my cheeks before i realized the weight of the words he had just spoken. Before I realized that You are most intentional in the way You speak. The way You form from the depths of nothingness into beauty unfathomable. It takes a lot these days not to believe You. It used to extract far less effort from my weakness to place my trust in myself. Weary of self, I had heard You, clearer than the dearest voice to me in this world.

I began singing desperately over my soul, every moment of the day. As the nausea came in wave after wave I would sing. As I lay in bed unable to sleep through the pain of another migraine, I sang. Always the same refrain: ‘for You are good, Your love never fails me. You’re the anchor of my soul. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. Through it all I will lift my eyes to You, my knees to the ground before You.”  I was not prophesying that which my eyes were not currently beholding. I was living inside of His goodness. It is growing within me. His extravagant goodness was re-wiring me from the inside out. It remains doing so three months and six days later.

The anxiety rises and crashes against the corners of my soul that You are still smoothing out. I begin learning how to nourish myself. I look into my Mirror and let You teach me the knowledge which I have never wanted to contain before. I sit and I consider casting my freedom into the wind. Seconds later, I remember the rapid speed at which my heart now beats because of the life inside my womb. I feel its increased speed. I marvel at how stunning Your ways. I sing ”so let go my soul and trust in God. The wind and the waves still know His Name.” I sing it until I remember that Name myself. I am hushed inside of its arms.

At least once a day I find the email in my inbox and check the dates and times of the route before me. I know by heart the day on which this begins. The date I will travel home. Yet even now, I give You this heart. This heart that is need of confirmation perpetually of a heart’s desire being fulfilled. It is still there. Your dream over us. The King is still within me. I am staring into the face of a journey. My heart bears witness with this- that I struggle to call this a transition. There is no distance too far for You to run with me. You carry destiny within your scars, You remind me. You lull me to sleep at rest each night. I am nothing if not Your’s.

 

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